Extraordinarily Empty

Sometime around 6 a. m.: He was shy, but I saw him looking at me. I was dancing, I was happy, I wasn’t thinking about hooking up. But there was something about him. So when his friends started talking to me, I engaged them. But he stood away, glancing at me every so often. After some time, I approached him and I said “Hi, I’m Linka” and he responded, “I’m Fullip”. We started talking and quickly were at ease, but with an intense sexual tension obvious from the start. He was incredibly warm and engaging. It was in the morning and in typical Berlin style, we decided to club hop to another party. It was likely about 9 a.m., I wasn’t reflecting on the time. He left his friends and jumped in a cab with me and my friend.

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We arrived – the party was good, we were on the dance floor. He gave me that sideways look, so I stepped in front of him and we kissed. He grabbed me and pulled me closer. After a moment, I pulled back…I don’t like to kiss on the dance floor. He suggested we go sit by the pond and get our feet wet. We walked outside and removed our shoes and began talking. He has 3 nephews, he loves being an uncle.

His parents conceived him when there were only together for 2 weeks…he tells me that this influences his personality. I tell him about how terrible my parents’ marriage was, the 33 years my Mom endured “for us kids”. We talk about our lives like friends, intimate from the start. I tell him things I normally wouldn’t tell someone I just met.

He kisses me again, pulling me close to him. I feel that infective mind of mine begin to fantasize. He is so handsome, I love his hands, I love his hair, his chest is amazing.

I want to dance some more…after some time, I go to the bathroom and I run into a friend, I end up being gone for a while. When I return, I apologize for being gone so long and I ask him, “Did you miss me?” He responds, “Terribly,” and pulls me warmly, tenderly to him. He suggests we sit by the pond again, I tell him I want to dance a bit more.

After about 10 minutes, I see him sitting there by the pond and I decide to join him. I remove my shoes and sit down next to him, he places his hand on my leg. We begin talking again. He tells me that he was supposed to meet some friends in the afternoon. I ask him if he is going to now. He says “No.” He suggests we go swimming at his parents’ house, they are gone and the lake is so nice. I tell him that I have work in the evening to accomplish. He asks where I live. We stand up and he pulls me towards him, rubbing my back, gently fondling my hair.

Must be around 2 p.m.: We walk to the Ring Bahn…on the way we talk about relationships. He tells me that his last girlfriend will never talk to him again, because he just didn’t know how to act and wasn’t kind to her. I ask him when that was, he says two years ago. I tell him that I am best friends with almost all my ex-boyfriends, that I have very good relationships, healthy with most of my exes. But I talk about other things, some darker things from my past, intimate secrets, lessons I have learned, situations I created to teach myself valuable lessons.

When we arrive at my house, I make us ginger tea, he hugs me from behind while I cut the ginger. We go to my room and as I begin to remove my dress, I tell him that I rarely wear dresses and he says, “Well I guess I’m lucky then.” Underneath I have on a full slip, and I respond, “Yes, you are”. He grabs me and pulls me to him as we climb up into my loft.  We are tender, romantic, intense – everything is so intense.

There goes that mind of mine again, that fantasy of this man, what he could be, what we could be. I love running my hands through his hair, we are soaking wet, we are not taking our time. We are devouring each other and pull on each other like we could never get enough…not ever.

Around 7:30 p.m.: For some humor, perhaps to ease the intensity, I put on Ice Cube’s ‘It was a Good Day’, reflecting on how amazing the day has been. He is singing along and then…with a sudden realization, he tells me he has work he forgot about this evening. He pulls away a bit and I see something flicker in his mind. I ask him what is wrong. He tells me he is overwhelmed with guilt about his work. I tell him not to feel guilty and not to worry, he will get his work done. But I sense something else is going on, some kind of mind-fuck just occurred for him.

He leaves within the half-hour, he asks me for a canvas tote bag to carry some things in. I hand him the one I got from SXSW this year. I ask him jokingly when I hand it over, “So, we will see each other again?” He meekly says, “Yes.” I say, “I was kidding”…there I am assuming, why in the hell wouldn’t we?

He writes his name and number on a piece of paper and says, “Won’t you walk me out?” I walk him to the door, we hug and we kiss, but this time it’s short and not very tender. I have this strange feeling.

He leaves…I get in bed…I feel anxious. I am shaking…it was amazing…he is amazing.

Later, I text him and say something sweet about getting his work done…no response.

Around 10:30am: Two days later, still nothing…I call him from the landline, he answers. I say, “Fullip, this is Linka.” His voice is faint, he says, “Hi.” I respond quickly, “I have to ask you something?” He says, “Yes?” I say, “Was Sunday typical for you, or was it extraordinary?” He responds, “It was extraordinary.” Then he says, “I don’t know what to think about it, I feel strange about it.” I say, “I feel strange too.” I tell him, “It was rude of you not to respond to my texts.” He says, “I’m sorry.”

A train goes by behind him, he says it is difficult to hear me as I say something about how much desire I feel for him…and I say, “I want to see you again.” He responds meekly, “I don’t know.” I respond, “It would be good for both of us to see each other again…let’s do something normal.” He says, “I am having a really hard time hearing you, can I call you later?” I say, “Of course.” (but I know he won’t). Then I say, “Enjoy your day,” and he says, “You too.”

Extraordinarily empty…perhaps I am just a fool, but I believe in respect in these things. This is not trite. I am left with nothing but emptiness.  A one-night stand is a one-night stand and being played is another. This doesn’t & didn’t feel like either of these things. What happened to him, his poor mind, that he would deny such a beautiful connection?

Today I washed the sheets. I can’t stop thinking about it…he won’t go away.

Until I find somebody new…extraordinary and full.